Simply, Me

The Best Laid Plan

Zen Mama — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 02:30:18 +0000

Your
best laid plan –
a monument of creativity
and hope –
is placed delicately
on the quicksand
we call life.

The breeze of
flexibility
teases the joints
of your dollhouse.

Will it survive?
That’s not the question.
The question is:
What will you make
when it crumbles?
Will it be better
or will it stoop
in resignation
and defeat?

Rocks are not Rocks, they are the Carriers of Gems, Minerals, and Crystals

Zen Mama — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 05:13:14 +0000

Dear Budding Geologist,

I don’t mean to crush your explorative spirit but the clothes dryer is not a rock tumbler. I love you anyway.

Love,
Mummy

phone

Zen Mama — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:09:53 +0000

With how many times I’ve sent our family phones swimming I’ve been very diligent to baby our current equipment. I was astounded when my phone went on the fritz last week because I hadn’t even dropped it in a very long time. Both myself and the customer service lady on the phone were convinced it was the phone and not my sim card since I could still access the info on my card but couldn’t do anything with the phone.

So a dear friend sent me one of her unused phones. I couldn’t even get to the main screen on hers, let alone pick up a signal.

Finally Blue and I were able to get to the store this morning. Paul, who used to work for the company before it was even called TMobile, concluded it must be the sim card being glitchy, and not the phone. He was right!

Today I got the following things: a good walk, a brand new sim card for free, service to my mobile phone again, and that warm feeling that I have wonderful friends. Three out of four of those things individually are enough to make me happy. The jury is still out about the phone service — does this mean I have to start answering it again? What of those who call my cell but never my home and I may go days without getting the message despite repeated reminders that I don’t check it? And what of those who still text me even though I tell everyone I don’t text? It’s so much easier when I could just say “my phone is still broken.”

I’m still dragging my feet into this century, unconvinced that a cell phone will change my world.

Hooray!

Zen Mama — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:01:20 +0000

Blue is better. I can’t tell you how relieved we all are.
That’s one challenge down, now how’s about we get a job offer tomorrow with a signing bonus and generous benefits package? Okay?
I’ll leave you to get right on that. I know we are all happier when I am happy.

ps: I know many of you may not agree with me, but I am really enjoying tonight’s State of the Union. No matter, it’s my opinion and this is my blog.

Again?

Zen Mama — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 03:21:19 +0000

The past 23 hours are the sickest Blue has been in almost three years. What was only once every couple of hours is now at the same 30minute intervals I know all too well. Nothing makes the rest of us so stressed out as when he is sick. I really hope it’s just something going around. I really hope this won’t last long. I really hope it’s nothing.

But I can’t help but wonder — is it the stress of unemployment? This only seems to happen when we are in dire straights.

The Point of Pasta

Zen Mama — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 22:56:42 +0000

Me: The whole point of pasta is that it’s a vehicle for the sauce.
Red: I disagree. The point of pasta is the pasta.
Paul: You’re both wrong. It’s the cheese.

Centered

Zen Mama — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:47:05 +0000

I lost my equilibrium this week. After Paul’s ninth interview with a particular company he received confirmation that he’s not the only person they’re interviewing and it threw him off. Paul is my rock, so when he’s in a funk I’m in a funk. It didn’t help that my phone died and my car was suddenly in need of repairs. Really, when it rains it poors. I had things under control with the stress of the job search, but the unexpectedness of repairs and replacements left me feeling very fragile. I fell back into my old ways: wasting time on mindless facebook games and my patented eating contest with myself (I won, by the way.) The more I did those things the worse I felt, and the worse I felt the more I did those things to dull the pain of the stress.

Today a friend is sending me her unused TMobile phone and my car is being repaired. (Radiator hose had a hole.) The car repairs are not free, but not so astronomical to wipe out our entire savings. I still didn’t sleep well, but I do feel myself coming out of this week’s fog. For a short week, this was a really long one. Today is Friday, today is the end of that long short week. Today I have found my center.

I can spend the whole morning playing automoblox with Blue and Tyler, not worrying about the future or the present. And I believe I can do so without raiding the kitchen for sugars and starches. This is what we call progress, my friends. I can live with the uncertainty of my life so long as the uncertainty stays within certain parameters. I’ve boxed it back up and now I’m good.

Found in the Draft Folder

Zen Mama — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 23:51:47 +0000

Early in my motherhood years, when things were still pretty simple and pretty good, a close friend of mine struggled greatly with depression. It took me a while to even recognize it because many of her symptoms, from the outside, I considered to be positives: she lost weight, her home was immaculate. How could that possibly mean she was having a hard time? When I’m struggling I eat like crazy and don’t do an ounce of housework. One day I finally said something about how ashamed I was that she had it all together with her three children and I just couldn’t keep up with my two much-littler ones. What I didn’t quite realize was that to her a clean home meant she wasn’t spending much time with her children, and when she looked around and saw her clean home, she didn’t feel uplifted or free, she felt sorry she had spent her time doing that instead of spending her time with her children.

She did recover from her depression, but she was never the same afterwards. Even though the depression lifted, some melancholy stayed. I knew that in the many years ahead I’d have my share of depression, and I vowed to not let depression leave its indelible mark on me. I would not let it change me forever.

It wasn’t long before I hit my own dark times, and I have had many episodes since. That’s life, really. I don’t know when I finally released myself of my vow to not let depression change me, but I’m glad I did.

I was correct in not wanting to the that damaged girl with the dark cloud, the world doesn’t need another scarred victim and my life is certainly not that bad. Somewhere along my path of healing, as I turned inward to those things of great comfort, I discovered that I didn’t want to be the same person I was before, I wanted to be better, stronger, and with a clearer sense of self. I didn’t want to recover, I wanted to heal.

So I did. It sounds overly simplistic to say it like that, like it was some decision I had to make, but I can’t describe it any other way. It wasn’t that as soon as I decided to heal I was healed, I had to let the emotions have their way, but I had made a way for them to leave me, and for me to let go of those emotions. I had decided to not let them linger longer than was needful, I gave them no home within me. I had to lower my expectations of self for a while, and cut myself a lot of slack. But I had decided that I would not let these periods of sadness define me, and in doing so I found the light I needed to rise up again.

I was lucky that each time I was able to do it on my own, without the need for medical intervention, and that not everyone has it so easy.

Recovery didn’t happen overnight, but it happened. And because it happened I’ve been able to do it again, and again. When the sadness strikes, when afflictions attack, I know I’ll be okay again. I know that I can be whole again.

Will I be the same after this? No! I’ll be better.

With this knowledge I’m able to conquer anything.

Lost and Found

Zen Mama — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 18:52:53 +0000

So those six pounds I lost last summer?
Found.
And then some, if today continues to go as it is.

The Storms of Life

Zen Mama — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:30:57 +0000

Bad weather in our lives can come from numerous sources and there’s very little we can do about it. We can fortify our homes, shelter our families, and batten down the hatches, but we can’t control the duration, location, or severity of the storm. These storms can come from a variety of origins. Sometimes storms are true forces of nature, sometimes our storms are more metaphorical. Storms can come our way because of the agency of others (likewise our decisions may cause storms in other people’s lives, so tread softly friends!) Storms can also come from the hand of the Lord.

Now before you get all upset, let me explain. I do not believe that God says, “you need to be knocked down a few pegs, here, take this.” I believe He is a very loving God and not a mean-spirited punitive one. That said, sometimes it takes a little perspective to see it that way. Sometimes, in His omnipotence, he will (literally or figuratively) drop us into the ocean and blow the winds to take us to a better place. Those trips are no luxury liners, but seemingly endless tossing on the waves of the sea. The scriptures are full of such stories (the Israelites several times, the Jaredites, and the Nephites, to name only a few) and if you look closely, our lives also have such stories.

Not all storms we endure are those wherein the Lord lovingly pushes us toward a promised land of good and plenty, but there are some which are. Since the day Paul lost his job it has been very clear to us that this is exactly what is happening to us. We were comfortable in our seaside village; we could make ends meet, Paul had a great boss, we were in a great school. The Lord has tossed us into the sea because we wouldn’t have done so on our own. It’s time for a change. This is different than any previous stint of unemployment, this is a storm directed by God. He is blowing us to our new life. We lack the navigation equipment required to know where we will land, but we trust Him and are grateful for the care He has shown to us.