I think I’ve said “I’m an idiot” a million times since Tuesday.  Paul, who is kind to a fault, keeps saying, “you’re not an idiot.  You just get flustery sometimes.”  Fine, but I’m still an idiot.

But I’ve thought a lot about it, and started looking back at how many times I’ve been flustered lately, and how many times I’ve just given up and cried.  I’m fairly ok in the childcare category, but I realized I’m completely unable to deal with any other aspect of life.  How did this happen?  I can’t deal with anything?!?  Suddenly, it hit me.  I’m not as okay as I think I am.

I’m not okay.

I can’t cope with day to day life.  I get stressed out over every single little thing.  And I knew it was coming back in the winter.

I first realized it while watching a Scrubs episode in which Carla battles PPD.  I bawled, and at that moment I knew I was going to be in trouble if something in my life didn’t change.  I even remember talking to Sariah about the premonition. 

Even last month I remember having the thought that I wanted to go shopping.  There was nothing I needed and I really didn’t have money to burn.  I told myself that I needed to sit down and think about what underlying issue I was hiding by shopping, and I cried because I didn’t want to think about it.  I passed it off to being fragile because Paul was gone, but even then I knew it was more. 

While some of the things that I knew in January needed to change, have changed positively, they are marginal and I’m still teetering.  Reflecting on the accident was the wake-up call I needed to add up all the times I haven’t been right and that I’ve had too many days when I’ve realized I wasn’t thinking rationally but couldn’t turn it around.  I need to fix myself before something really bad happens.  Wish me luck.

4 thoughts on “Epiphany

  1. Sending big hugs and prayers – I know I am far away but if I can help in any way, let me know. By the way, you can do it – I’m rooting for you. 🙂

  2. Life can be so overwhelming sometimes and as moms we’re expected to take it all in stride, never complain and live with it. But there are so many times when it’s just not possible. I know that you will make it through your tough time because you have much love and support surrounding you! I know you’re strong enough to conquer anything in your way. Please know that no matter what, you’ve always got friends in us up in the north! Take care of yourself and make sure to get some time for yourself sometimes, as hard as it is to do it. It’s always easier said than done, but I’ve found that if I can get a few moments, even grocery shopping on my own, it gives me time to think and get perspective on a hard time.

    Thanks, you’re right.

  3. Many moms suffer from PPD even though they did not experience it with their first children. With the second, it seems that you expect more from yourself and your ability to cope, but in reality you have more responsibility, more at stake, and often less help than the first time around. It may help to remember that you are actually just like a first time mom again – only now it’s the first time you’ve had TWO kids to worry about. Be gentle with yourself!

    Thank you, you’re right.

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