I think I’ve said “I’m an idiot” a million times since Tuesday. Paul, who is kind to a fault, keeps saying, “you’re not an idiot. You just get flustery sometimes.” Fine, but I’m still an idiot.
But I’ve thought a lot about it, and started looking back at how many times I’ve been flustered lately, and how many times I’ve just given up and cried. I’m fairly ok in the childcare category, but I realized I’m completely unable to deal with any other aspect of life. How did this happen? I can’t deal with anything?!? Suddenly, it hit me. I’m not as okay as I think I am.
I’m not okay.
I can’t cope with day to day life. I get stressed out over every single little thing. And I knew it was coming back in the winter.
I first realized it while watching a Scrubs episode in which Carla battles PPD. I bawled, and at that moment I knew I was going to be in trouble if something in my life didn’t change. I even remember talking to Sariah about the premonition.
Even last month I remember having the thought that I wanted to go shopping. There was nothing I needed and I really didn’t have money to burn. I told myself that I needed to sit down and think about what underlying issue I was hiding by shopping, and I cried because I didn’t want to think about it. I passed it off to being fragile because Paul was gone, but even then I knew it was more.
While some of the things that I knew in January needed to change, have changed positively, they are marginal and I’m still teetering. Reflecting on the accident was the wake-up call I needed to add up all the times I haven’t been right and that I’ve had too many days when I’ve realized I wasn’t thinking rationally but couldn’t turn it around. I need to fix myself before something really bad happens. Wish me luck.