The Difference of a Week

I think I’m doing better at keeping myself together.

Let me rephrase that.  I’m keeping the saddness at bay, but I’m really a mess when it comes to getting organized.  Well, I guess there’s always something that has to give.  If I mess up our summer playgroup schedule enough, maybe someone else will take over.  (Or, everyone will just stop coming because they’re sick of me scheduling trips to museums that aren’t open.)

Since last week’s epiphany I set the goal to start small.  I would try to keep the house tidier (as that has a major impact on my moods) and I would try to spend more time doing things I actually enjoyed.  I also determined to try to think as positively as I could, but to cut myself more slack as well.

Definitely I have some hormonal things going on.  Guy Smiley is three months old; three months is when my hair starts falling out and my skin gets wierd.  Three months is when my appetite changes every single day.  Naturally I can assume that three months is also when I’m blue.

My sister in law, whose youngest is 13 months, says she’s still “not right” hormonally.  I asked, horrified, “does this mean I’m going to be stupid forever?”  In my mind I thought, “am I also going to be sad forever?”

I’m not, however, ready to chalk the whole thing up to hormones and wait out the storm. 

I’ve been thinking about this past year.  There was last spring’s disequilibrium, the summer of tears, a weary winter (too many posts to link), and a very eventful spring.  It is wholly possible that this is my body’s reaction to all the stress.  Understanding all the reasons that I’m not myself is so freeing.  It’s nice to know that all of my episodes are not isolated incidents, and that there are reasons behind my irrationality.  Just knowing that has helped me feel better.

I’m not all better.  But I’m crying less, and I’m less sad.  I weathered seeing Little Red ignored all day better than I thought, and even the disappointment of both of my playdates today falling through.  My kitchen is mostly clean, and I’m learning how to knit.  I still feel like my life is upside down and I wish I could fix things I can’t (like my husband’s lack of job satisfaction), but I’m trying to dwell on happy things and look to the future with optimism, even if it’s just blind hope.

2 thoughts on “The Difference of a Week

  1. I just got caught up on what’s going on over here, and just thought I’d stop by to offer some support. It sounds like you are taking some steps in the right direction to focus on the little, but good, things. Even getting a little time for yourself will help. It’s something us mothers have a hard time doing, but it’s so necessary for mental health!

    My son turns 1 year next week and I agree with your friend – I am still not completely right hormonally. I’m adjusting, though, and things have recently gotten a lot better than they were. Some days are still hard, and many times I wonder if I made the right decisions to get where I am, but I’m sure it will pass as I learn to accept the new me. It’s a process.

    Hang in there, and don’t be afraid to ask others for help!


  2. HI Heather! Hey, I just found your blog- I was so excited to see your boys and read about what you have been doing! I just want to say that I love you! I’m so sorry that you have had some bad hormones! I went through a pretty bad depression a couple years ago. As I was reading your feelings, I remember feeling so much the same way! I know that it will get better, and that YOU are capable and wonderful as a mother, and as a wife and a person. It made me sad to hear your being so critical of yourself. I feel like that sometimes too, but I think you amazing, and I always have!
    My sister just went through a bad deprssion too, and she is just coming out of it and doing much better. What really hleped her is watching and reading the book called “The Secret”. Have you ever heard of it? I’ve seen the book in bookstores, ot you can download the video for a small fee. Anyway- it totally brought her up and it has been good for me to read also!
    ANyway- I also agree with your friend (above) don’t be afraid to ask for help. I will be praying for you!

    Thanks, Jessi. You’ve always been a sweetheart. I am familiar with the book, my MIL has it. You’re absolutely right, positive thinking, as taught in that book, can go a long way.

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