I have been deleting and rewriting this post all morning long. I’m trying to explain why I felt such a yearning to reconnect with my college friends when I felt an equally strong aversion to find schoolmates from high school. I thought I had narrowed it down to the difference between friends by circumstance and friends by choice. I thought I had narrowed it down to the difference between friends during tough times and friends during happy times.
I’ve finally decided that I can’t make a pretty fence around my friends from different eras. I guess I don’t even know what the point is of this post.
High school is a difficult time for everyone. As our brains and bodies were changing so quickly we often morphed into creatures indistinguishable as ourselves. Sometimes we were unkind. I never want to relieve high school for two reasons, equally as important: I am sorry for things I did, and hurt by things that happened to me. While I appreciate those with whom I’m still friends and grateful for some of the new relationships I’ve developped now that we’ve grown up, the reality is that I’m not over high school and I’m not ready to jump back in and try to recontact everyone. There are only a handful of people with whom I’ve lost touch that I’d like to meet again.
I love being an adult. I love feeling more in control of my life. I took a huge leap when I went to college in the US, but it forced me to grow. I made choices with no regard to what others would think. I chose classes I thought I’d like, and I made friends with those who made me happy. Many of those friendships have endured, but some have waned for a myriad of reasons.
Finally I’ve decided that maybe I feel a stronger affinity with those from college because it was a more pivotal period in my life. I’ve also decided, however, that when I do come across old acquaintances from the north that we should just start fresh. I don’t want them to judge me on who I was more than a decade ago; I shouldn’t do the same to them.