Mute

I’m not in a funk, but I’m not in a groove.  I’m not out of sync, but I’m not really in sync, either.  I’m just … floating I guess.  I have all sorts of thoughts trapeezing through my mind, somtimes I catch them before they fly away, but when I convert them to words it’s all disjointed.

I tried to open up to a friend this week, explaining something about which I struggle, and I ended up offending her.  I tried to blog some really deep feelings this weekend, but it was a rhetorical post and I forgot to make it private before I posted, so then I had to pull it after my friends had commented — it’s not you, it’s me, I was documenting my thoughts for my journal; I didn’t mean to share them publicly. 

In some ways I’m really pleased with myself, I’ve had more consecutive days in a row of leaving for work with the kitchen clean than I can remember (this morning I even cleaned out and wiped down the fridge!)  It’s like something clicked and suddenly the housework is easier. 

But I’m really in a fog in a lot of other aspects of my life.  I’m trying to find where I fit in.  I’m trying to find a nitche for my brain.  I’m trying to anticipate the next step in our family’s future.  I’m trying to keep up with the ever-evolving emotional and educational needs of my boys.  I’m trying to understand that my baby is learning to walk.  I can read an entire book aloud to the boys without even realizing what I’ve read, because my mind is off elsewhere.

Can I have it both ways?  Can I keep what’s going right and still turn around what isn’t?  hmmmm.  Turning off the computer again might help.  It often does.

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5 Responses to Mute

  1. Philosophical Karen says:

    Always dangerous to use the same blog for public and private thoughts. Convenient, but it invites problems like the one you just described.

    Anyway, good luck with finding your groove. It’ll come.

    I don’t know how you are able to balance multiple blogs. I have a hard enough time keeping up with just one.

  2. Lisa B. says:

    You know, I seemed to go through that when each child was about a year old. Part of it may be hormonal and part of it may be that you are entering a new stage with your family. Maybe a change in routine would help a little. You also have a lot you are working through and sometimes we are left to struggle a little before the answers come. But they do.

    Thank you, Lisa. I always appreciate your insight and wisdom.

  3. GoofyJ says:

    I think we all have those out of the groove times, and as Lisa said above, sometimes we are left to struggle a while but the changes and answers will come. I find routine changes help a lot. I’ve been feeling rather less than groovey 😉 too lately and have felt the need to change the typical every day routine with something spontaneous for the kids and I to do. Anyway, I hope you find your groove and peace soon.

    Thanks.

  4. sleepyfrog76 says:

    I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry! I’ve been feeling the same… not in a groove, but not really out, either. And I can totally empathize with the whole offending thing… I tend to say or write something perfectly (in my mind at least) innocent, but someone ends up offended and I find myself in constant apology mode.

    “Constant apology mode.” I really hope to get beyond this at some point. It does make me feel better to know that I’m in such good company with you.

  5. ABQ MOM says:

    It’s interesting, as you said, that when something in your like just clicks, it’s usually in exchange for other points in your like Not clicking. Apparently we can’t have it both ways. I agree with what Lisa said, there’s something about the baby turning 1 year old. Maybe it’s the hormonal thing, not nursing as much, or starting to wean. Or just the emotional aspect of seeing our baby start to toddle off and do his/her own thing. It does require a bit of self-analysis. I wish you luck.

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