I’m not in a funk, but I’m not in a groove. I’m not out of sync, but I’m not really in sync, either. I’m just … floating I guess. I have all sorts of thoughts trapeezing through my mind, somtimes I catch them before they fly away, but when I convert them to words it’s all disjointed.
I tried to open up to a friend this week, explaining something about which I struggle, and I ended up offending her. I tried to blog some really deep feelings this weekend, but it was a rhetorical post and I forgot to make it private before I posted, so then I had to pull it after my friends had commented — it’s not you, it’s me, I was documenting my thoughts for my journal; I didn’t mean to share them publicly.
In some ways I’m really pleased with myself, I’ve had more consecutive days in a row of leaving for work with the kitchen clean than I can remember (this morning I even cleaned out and wiped down the fridge!) It’s like something clicked and suddenly the housework is easier.
But I’m really in a fog in a lot of other aspects of my life. I’m trying to find where I fit in. I’m trying to find a nitche for my brain. I’m trying to anticipate the next step in our family’s future. I’m trying to keep up with the ever-evolving emotional and educational needs of my boys. I’m trying to understand that my baby is learning to walk. I can read an entire book aloud to the boys without even realizing what I’ve read, because my mind is off elsewhere.
Can I have it both ways? Can I keep what’s going right and still turn around what isn’t? hmmmm. Turning off the computer again might help. It often does.