Freak Out

Thank you to all of you who, instead of knowingly reminding me that two days does not a pattern make, kindly joined me in rejoicing in my two night’s of sleep.  Need I explain my absence by describing how two good night’s is all I had?

I’m quite sure that my on-going fatigue is the reason I’m so off-balance today.  It didn’t help that I gassed up the car to a whopping $60 this morning.  That officially blows my budget.  It means I have to gas up LESS than twice a month to stay on track.  I’m not sure how much less driving I can do.  I can’t very well walk to La Crescenta to tutor.  And while I can (and often do) walk to the grocery store, I can’t when I’m buying milk, eggs, cheese, and all those other cold things which are so essential to a healthy household.  I think the only frivolous driving I do at this point is getting to and from our Friday morning playgroup, which hardly counts as frivolous because it maintains sanity in our home.  I am preparing myself emotionally to give it up, but that’s going to take me a while still.

Angela is leaving.  They’ve decided to use their tax refund to move to a new place.  I knew this was coming as she’s pregnant and they just need a bigger place, but to hear her say it today sent me into high-gear-panic.  What am I going to do without my baby-sitting share?  I can’t afford to pay someone.  (I couldn’t afford Esme, for the record, and we survived so I guess we can do it, but things are a bit different now and I’m less confident we can make it.)  Not to mention, what will I do without a friend three doors down?  It took us a while to find our groove as friends, but now I rely on her a great deal and I will miss her terribly.

Mum and the remaining Whitehorse contingent of the family are moving this summer.  (To Edmonton, it appears, although the location is not final.)  It was disequilibrating when the house burnt down, and it was wierd when I went back to visit, being in the new house.  It’s immensly more strange to realize that I will never again go “home” to Whitehorse.  I may go and visit the places, and see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but never again to my parents’ house.  I feel strange about that.  I hope that someday Paul and I will have our own home, and we’ll feel more rooted.  Maybe then we won’t feel quite so attached to our parents’ homes, and the cities in which we were raised.

Dad and Liz start demolition on their house probably this week.  That, too, is strange, as that home has been more consistently my “other” home than the Whitehorse house.  But they’ve been talking about this for a while, and they are rebuilding on the same lot, so there is consistency.  I think it’s the surprise, combined with the departure, that makes Mum’s move such a bigger deal than Dad’s demo.

Of course, this post would be incomplete without mentionning what great pains Boy Blue has taken to keep me from writing discearnable words.  His freakout is much more pressing than mine, and I must once again put aside myself and take care of him.  I have such little time in which I can so easily sooth him with my time and attention.  I hate wasting it in front of the computer.

4 thoughts on “Freak Out

  1. Well, I understand about losing the proximity of a good friend, (whom I am going to miss terribly) but I guess I can’t say that it is the same situation since I AM getting my parents back. I am sorry. I do know, however, and not to sound cliche-ish (OK, that’s not a word), but the Lord does provide. I found out recently that I met one of my best friends 2 weeks after she prayed for a good friend. Something will work out, I know it. For now, just be grateful for the sleep you get when you get it, and love that little guy. Oh, and I understand the gas-blowing-the-budget thing.

  2. It will work out. It seems like you’ve been hit with a whole bunch of negatives right now, so it’s hard to see your way through things (especially if you’re not getting the sleep you need). Is there any way you might be able to get a more fuel-efficient vehicle sometime in the near(ish) future, to help with the high cost of driving? When you say “give it up” about the playgroup, do you mean completely? Could you go every two weeks instead of every week? I don’t know. I am trying to come up with practical solutions to what is essentially an emotional wallop. Not the best approach, I’m sure.

  3. You are in our prayers. It seems that when I feel like everything is falling down around my ears that at the point I feel like I will break, something always works out. Not necessarily a bed of roses but something to ease the craziness. Anyway, know that you are in my prayers and I hope the craziness passes soon.

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