Afternoon Nap

September 30, 2008

The babies were asleep, so we played cars, and

after the big race all the cars decided to take a nap on the track. 

We went upstairs to my bed to follow suit. 

He because he was lonely, and I …

I was tired of doing things,

tired of leaving him to fend for himself just because he’s the oldest and he can

–I am the oldest and I know how that feels,

and because I missed the time when we would nap together every day,

when life was simpler.

 

After a minute or two I felt him tap my nose and pat my hair. 

I smiled and flopped my arm over his body in a clumsy hug. 

“I love you,” I said.  “I am so glad you are my son.”

 

He laughed his goofy laugh and said,

“I love you because you are my son.”

 

We did nap once we got our giggles out,

neither or us for as long as we wanted,

but he napped best of all. 

I sure love that three year old of mine.

 

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Our Pet, Dog

September 28, 2008

While I do consider myself to be a friend of the furry creatures, I don’t see us having one in the home for a long time, if ever.  I am always grateful for the opportunities my friends provide me to feed their cats; it’s a great reminder for me that I do not want a pet.

But on Thursday with the comings and goings of playgroup, a fly joined our household.  Since he’s such an active part of our family now, and no one can ignore him, and since Little Red has been asking for a pet for so long, we decided to make it official.

So the fly is our pet for as long as he is with us.  (Paul thinks he’ll be dead by the end of the night, but certainly not while the boys can see.)

And we let Little Red name him.  His name is Dog.


Creation and Compassion

September 28, 2008

Yesterday morning I finished my cub scouts training.  I am now finally fully trained (now, all I need to do is finish that pesky registration.)  I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about things as I got there this morning, given the all-over-the-place feelings I’ve had lately, but I was happy to get to know Rob and Gretta (our new wolf leaders) finally, and happy to finish up my training.  Turns out my leader specific training consisted of two trainers and one student.  They were able to make it a truly leader specific class and I was able to interject and ask all the questions I wanted.  It was GREAT!

I left still not sure of my future, but with a testimony of cub scouts.  I get it.  I know why the church is such a major chartered organization of the BSA.  I get why it’s so important for the boys and their families to get involved.  As someone involved in the Girl Guides of Canada for so long, and married to an Eagle Scout, I can’t say we bleed for Lord and Lady Baden-Powell, but I can say that Scouting is not reallyoptional in our family.  I am so glad to start my BSA training so early, to ensure that I can be the best scout-mother for my boys.

After a short break with my family I dashed on up the hill for the yearly broadcast for our women’s association.  I listened to each of the talks by the Relief Society presidency and thought, “yes, true, we need to do more service, yes, visiting teaching is important, yes, we need to go to the temple.”  I wasn’t exactly feeling like my emotional well was being filled, I just felt like I was getting more reminders of all the demands on my time.  Finally President Uchtdorf spoke, and mingled with his light wit, he spoke directly to me, to all the overworked, frustrated, overwhelmed, and hurting women in the congregation; he spoke to all of us.

He’s been a favourite in our family since the beginning.  Paul has known him since his mission, and was tickeld to see Elder Uchtdorf wear the tie Paul and his fellow missionaries had given him all those years ago, the day he was sustained as an apostle.  He always has something to say that speaks to us, and this was no different.

The thing about last night’s talk that sparked my interest, was that he gets it.  I haven’t been feeling that from my leaders, and was so relieved to hear it from an apostle of the Lord.  What kept my attention was that he detailed how to work through feelings or burden or pain.  He didn’t say “just snap out of it” because he recognized that there is no on/off switch.  He spoke of two very important tools:

Creation:  Take matter unformed and make something new.  You don’t need to be a great artist or hold a tune in a bucket to be creative.  You can make a harmonious home.  You can create learning environments for your children.  You can plant a garden.  He went on and on, touching on something that everyone could do. 

Compassion:  Love people.  Share your time and energy with them.  Listen to them.  Do something to create joy in their lives.  Your compassion will bless others and uplift yourself.

I have very carefully structured my life for success and happiness.  I spend a great deal of energy on a daily basis creating a loving, supportive, learning environment for my boys, for the other children in my care, and for my friend’s children.  I work very hard to establish positive relationships with them individually.  I try to perform acts of compassion or service at least once a day.  I try to beautify my home.  I make projects, because I can knit, crochet, sew, albeit at a basic level, but I use those skills to make beautiful things, which uplift me and others.  All this makes me happy, and I have structured my life around doing as many of these things as I can every day, in order to make the world better, and make myself happy.

His talk was well-timed; it came at a time when I have been feeling that fulfilling my church calling was more like kicking against the pricks.  Despite all the efforts I was making to be happy, improve the world, and bring joy, I was so burdened by the things which were increasingly taking me away from my heart, and not helping at all.  The feelings of inadequacy that I was habouring as a result of my work never being enough, the feelings of pain I had felt from being harshly criticized of my decisions, and the feelings of frustration I felt from the execution of my church responsibilities being so in conflict with what I knew to be right, all came to the surface. 

I can’t say that my emotional well was filled in one ten-minute talk.  I can’t say that all of my problems and pain melted away.  But I felt better, lighter, knowing that an apostle of the Lord places his priorities where I had chosen to place mine.  As I continue to focus on what I know to be right, and what I know to make a difference, the other things will come into place or fall away.  I don’t need the conflict, and I don’t deserve those bad feelings.  I know how to be happy, and I choose, once again, to actively seek true happiness in my life.


Pending Projects

September 26, 2008

Today I am not going to do any of the following things:

* find the new insurance cards to put in the cars (the old ones expired 7/31 and I haven’t replaced them yet)

* find my SIN card so my Auntie can finalize Grandad’s estate — yes, he died almost a year and a half ago and my social insurance number is the only thing she still needs

* find Boy Blue’s birth certificate, just because it isn’t where it is supposed to be

* write letters to my visiting teaching sisters, as visiting just wasn’t an option this month

* make appointment for school tour

* make new preschool arrangements

* get present for nephew’s birthday

* finish Halloween costumes

What I am going to do with my day is play with three little boys and a little girl.  As soon as Lucy is picked up I have to rush out to cub scouts for the pack meeting.  As soon as cub scouts are over I have to rush home to help get my children to bed.  At which time I will probably collapse with them.  This week has taken everything I have, physically, mentally, emotionally.  Tomorrow doesn’t look better.  I honestly don’t know when I’m going to do any of the non-babyland things I need to do and frankly, I don’t care.


Love Story

September 24, 2008

Do you want to know one of the things I love best about my husband?  Come closer, I want you to really hear this.  Are you ready?  Here it is:  He actually likes spending time with his family.

Do you know how I know we’re a perfect match?  One of his favourite things about me is that, unlike so many stay-at-home mothers we know, I love being with my family.  In fact, when given the choice between having “me” time and following him along with the boys, I will choose going out with them every time.  It’s all I really want.


He’s Cute in the Manly Way

September 24, 2008

There are so many things I want to remember about my husband forever. 

This weekend he told me, “It’s hard to remember you’re sick because you look so good in those new glasses.” 

At our final get-together with Becksteads this weekend, Paul and Brandon came trotting into the kitchen with the same goofy look on their faces.  All of our collective children were in the bedroom, playing happily, and as the crockpot was taking care of most of our food, Tara and I were just chatting.  “Uhhh,” they started, “do you need help with anything?” they asked.  It was code for do you mind if we turn on the playstation?  Paul works so hard for us, it isn’t often I get to see him so truly relaxed an happy.  I could have kissed him right then and there, he was just so cute, but I sent him in to get started on his last game day with Brandon.


This is just to say …

September 23, 2008

I am not a slacker and I deserve respect.

That is all for today.