Dear New Year,
I rang you in by going to bed early, in my own bed, even though the little one threw up only two hours earlier. I woke up at 12:10, wished my husband a happy new year, and went back to sleep. I slept well, it being the first time in my bed in several nights. And I felt much better in the morning. I even did the dishes.
But the little one vomitted again, and as I held him this afternoon, so tired and drawn, so sick and listless; I thought about the new year, and I felt unenthusiastic. I was as eager about life as he.
I’m happy as long as I don’t think about things, about the future, about health, about paying next month’s bills. I’m happy when I immerse myself in the day-to-day but if I start to think about anything then the anxiety sets in, and the twitches . . . but other than that, I’M JUST FINE!!!
All we asked for Christmas was a job. It’s hard to start a new year without knowing what we’re doing. It’s hard to be so close to the three-month mark and not feel any closer than we did in October, as almost every reasonable lead and positive interview has been stalled by hiring freezes. It’s hard to not start the new year with a plan, but instead with uncertainty and discouragement. And it’s hard because I thought this time would be different. This time I DO have a job, and work full-time, and work very hard thankyouverymuch but there are still the murmurings behind me of why doesn’t Heather just get a job? Like I don’t work? Like the money I made in a “real job” would compensate for the money lost by not watching Aiden and paying for daycare x2 for my little ones and still have enough left over to be worth it? (I did the math … I don’t see anyone paying me that kind of money.) Or, that’s right, I should just get a night job — Maybe I really should. I worked four different jobs when Paul was in school to try to make ends meet, I worked myself ragged while pregnant with Boy Blue to try to make ends meet; I could get another job, if anyone would hire me. I would not be well, nor would the house or the boys, but if would get people to stop criticizing me, then maybe I should. I don’t think I could do it, I could hardly handle Aiden and tutoring, but then, no one really cares what I think anyway.
I’m just doing what I can: stay positive, be Paul’s biggest cheerleader, keep a healthy routine of fun things for the boys, keep the food coming, nurse the sickies, endure my own illnesses, keep the toilets clean, keep sweet no matter what. I’m not very good at my job, I confess, but I am trying, what else can I do?
Forget resolutions. Forget grand visions of the future. Forget reaffirmations of faith or hope or strength. 2009, are you listening? ALL I WANT IS FOR MY HUSBAND TO HAVE A JOB. Otherwise you can just take this new year and stuff it.