2009

Dear New Year,

I rang you in by going to bed early, in my own bed, even though the little one threw up only two hours earlier.  I woke up at 12:10, wished my husband a happy new year, and went back to sleep.  I slept well, it being the first time in my bed in several nights.  And I felt much better in the morning.  I even did the dishes.

But the little one vomitted again, and as I held him this afternoon, so tired and drawn, so sick and listless; I thought about the new year, and I felt unenthusiastic.  I was as eager about life as he.

I’m happy as long as I don’t think about things, about the future, about health, about paying next month’s bills.  I’m happy when I immerse myself in the day-to-day but if I start to think about anything then the anxiety sets in, and the twitches . . . but other than that, I’M JUST FINE!!!

All we asked for Christmas was a job.  It’s hard to start a new year without knowing what we’re doing.  It’s hard to be so close to the three-month mark and not feel any closer than we did in October, as almost every reasonable lead and positive interview has been stalled by hiring freezes.  It’s hard to not start the new year with a plan, but instead with uncertainty and discouragement.  And it’s hard because I thought this time would be different.  This time I DO have a job, and work full-time, and work very hard thankyouverymuch but there are still the murmurings behind me of why doesn’t Heather just get a job?  Like I don’t work?  Like the money I made in a “real job” would compensate for the money lost by not watching Aiden and paying for daycare x2 for my little ones and still have enough left over to be worth it?  (I did the math … I don’t see anyone paying me that kind of money.)  Or, that’s right, I should just get a night job — Maybe I really should.  I worked four different jobs when Paul was in school to try to make ends meet, I worked myself ragged while pregnant with Boy Blue to try to make ends meet; I could get another job, if anyone would hire me.  I would not be well, nor would the house or the boys, but if would get people to stop criticizing me, then maybe I should.  I don’t think I could do it, I could hardly handle Aiden and tutoring, but then, no one really cares what I think anyway.

I’m just doing what I can: stay positive, be Paul’s biggest cheerleader, keep a healthy routine of fun things for the boys, keep the food coming, nurse the sickies, endure my own illnesses, keep the toilets clean, keep sweet no matter what.  I’m not very good at my job, I confess, but I am trying, what else can I do?

Forget resolutions.  Forget grand visions of the future.  Forget reaffirmations of faith or hope or strength.  2009, are you listening?  ALL I WANT IS FOR MY HUSBAND TO HAVE A JOB.  Otherwise you can just take this new year and stuff it.

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7 Responses to 2009

  1. Lisa B. says:

    It’s pretty easy to figure out the solutions for others’ problems isn’t it?

    Telling you to go out and just get a job in this job market, with young children and while already having a job, is about as productive as the woman in Von’s, several years ago, who suggested that I should spank my tantrum-throwing 2 year old. Oh, that would have helped a lot!!

    Hang in there, Heather. I, and many others think you are terrific!

  2. aprilmommy says:

    Just tell those who are criticizing you to take a hike! They obviously don’t know what they are talking about, keep doing what you are doing and remember that the rest of us are behind you with hugs and prayers.

  3. Andrea says:

    vent away Heather. Vent away

  4. I can’t even pretend to imagine what it would be like to be in your situation. You definitely are staying strong and have a good outlook. Just stay positive and know that 2009 will be good to you-keep positive affirmations coming- Love, April

  5. GoofyJ says:

    I tried to leave a comment last night, but my computer froze up.

    As I read your post I was flooded with memories (and a few tears) of the 9 months my husband spent unemployed and searching for work. We had three little girls, and one on the way. We were trying to live off of my piano lessons. The criticisms, the looks, we had it all. The, you already have three kids you can’t support and your having more?, vibes were so strong. We prayed, cried, and prayed some more.

    The New Year hit and I think I could have written a letter very similar to yours. It was so HARD. Finally Paul told the Lord that he didn’t care if he worked in a fast food joint all he wanted was a job. A job did finally come, and after that a better one, and so on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know how hard it is to see that light.

    Remember that the Lord loves you and we all love you and are praying for you. Sending you lots of hugs.

    p.s. what does your hubby do? maybe my hubby knows someone, who knows someone who needs someone…. etc.

  6. Katie says:

    Heather I think you are an amazing woman and that you are doing a great job keeping your family going. I can imagine that what you are going through right now can be difficult but don’t you give up. Don’t let the world destroy you. I think it is easy for others to comment or focus on others to deflect from themselves. You are a hardworking mother that makes sacrifices for her family. You are a wonderful example to me I want you to keep your head up. The Lord is well aware of your needs and I promise you, you will be blessed!

  7. This situation could happen to anyone and hope people aren’t actually saying stuff like that!

    I know I have had my own internal murmurings when deciding to stay at home. I did the calculations also and know what you mean. I sold our car instead, not telling you to sell a car by the way. But you might want to consider a kidney 😉

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