Ahem

There’s a big part of me that wants to delete that previous post, or the previous two. After all, I am trying really hard to be positive and strong, and I’d like to look back at myself during this time and think that I acted with grace and dignity. Starting the new year with my dukes up just doesn’t seem dignified. The historian in me, however, won’t let me delete the posts. After all, they are accurate depictions of how I was feeling.

I’m not here now to say that I feel particularly better about things; there has been no progress on the job front as no one seems to be working any more. In fact, I don’t even know why I’m writing. I can’t say that I’m not mad anymore, because I don’t really feel not-mad, I’m just tired. Tired of being kicked around. Tired of working so hard and feeling like all I’m doing is treading water between regular and increasingly dangerous disaster.

When we finished school and moved out here, ready to start our lives and be grown ups, we saw the housing bubble immediately. This is unsustainable, we said. This cannot continue. But everyone poo-pooed us as being small-town and we just didn’t know how things were in California, the cost of living is the price you life for being in such a perfect place.  (I’m sorry, did I just snort?)  We did the best we could, spending more than half of our take-home income on rent and trying to make it work. When housing started to soften (it’s still pretty high here, but it is dropping) and we had clawed our way to finally making more than twice our rent and we felt like maybe we could think about another step, we lost two of our three jobs. Now we are, quite literally, living on a prayer which is at times very faith-affirming, but it’s equally frustrating. Job or no job we have been living on the edge since we moved to California with the except of a few brief months in 2008 where we actually felt like we were on the right track because we were working three jobs between the two of us.  I guess this is what we get for having a few good months? Knocked right back down to square one.

I have a certain friend who was my very first friend when I moved to California. She was vivacious, thoughtful, and very, very kind. She set me up with the resources I sought, and as a result has positively impacted nearly every day of my life in California. I am forever grateful and will always cherish my memories of our friendship. I hope we will always remain friends. Over the years she had her own struggles, and depression took its nasty toll on her. She has overcome it in many ways and is a stronger, wiser woman for it, but depression left its scar. And while she may return to many of her old activities, she will never quite be the same again.

I have struggled with depression in the past few years, too, during the summer of tears, and the summer following Boy Blue’s birth, in particular. It’s a tough road, but I know I have to win. I know that in the end the person I really am is a happy, hopeful woman with faith and vision. I want to be wiser, and take lessons with me along the way, but I refuse to be permanently scarred by the potholes of life, no matter how rampant they are.

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6 thoughts on “Ahem

  1. Heather, I love reading your blog. I understand the venting and it doesn’t bother me. I like reading what you feel. And all that garbage about people telling you to get a job… isn’t it great that everybody else knows what’s best for you and your family and your situation? Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I admire you and your efforts and your optimism at this difficult time. I can’t say that I would be as good as you, even on your bad days. If you ever need a “vacation” we don’t live too far. You’re more than welcome to come play!

  2. You are awesome Heather 🙂 The venting is good for you, and besides, you can’t be tough all the time. Life is real and so are emotions, I am sure there are a lot of people who can and will benefit from reading your honest posts about your feelings and struggles. The experiences we have can do so much not only to strengthen ourselves, but others too.

    Maybe having your dukes up (that fighter spirit) is what you need to fuel you through until your husband has a job – I would be more worried if you were giving up without a fight. I admire your optimism, and your ‘pluck’.

    Hugs and prayers – and a little cheerleading on the side too!

  3. scars.

    i love scars. i know i’ve said this before. somewhere. maybe in your blog even? but… they are the evidence of surviving. that’s why i like ’em, i think. anyway, i didn’t mean to go off on scars.

    i really wanted to say i think it is VERY healthy to think, feel, say out loud and embrace the times of trouble. if you can feel the heavy, you can thrive in the light… know what i mean?

    i am sorry you all are experiencing such difficulties. sometimes, i think life likes us to punch back. keep punchin’!

  4. I give you permission to smack the next person who tells you, or hints at, that you should get a job. Seriously. People need to mind their own business! Venting is definitely okay. 🙂

    I admire your resolve. I’ve been battling sadness and I need to be more like you and fight harder against the potholes of life.

  5. I know I always say this, but I totally understand how you are feeling! People are really stupid sometimes! We had a really good friend say in Elder’s Quorum that if we don’t like our job, we should just go and get a new one. Jody was fuming when he got home…if it were that easy, don’t you think we would have done that already?! Just take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone!! Keep trying to smile!

  6. Heather, I didn’t know your blog address. I hope you don’t mind I added you to my friends. Love your blog. Gives me time to reflect on myself. It is important to keep accounts of good times and bad times. You will look back someday and be grateful you made an account of how you really felt.

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