You Have No Choice; You Must Not Fail

It’s been a week since we did Boy Blue’s blood work. As of Friday, when last our gastro called, we were still waiting on some of the results, and he ordered an abdominal ultrasound because of some of the results that had already returned. We’re waiting for the 22nd, which was the earliest time Radiology could get us in. We’re waiting on the results of the rest (and those results will likely call for even more work.) In a way I’m glad this part is taking so long; the longer you think about something the more likely you are to accept it. I’m coming around to some of the things Dr. Kim suggested, things I initially dismissed as impossible.

Paul is in a holding pattern with four different jobs right now. One of them is only part-time, and we’re hoping to bundle it with another job (which means we’re also hedging our bets that he can telecommute with that job.) There’s only so far follow-ups can take you. And then … we wait.

I’ve said it before: I think waiting is my natural state.

May was a very difficult month for me. The Governator wants to cancel the health insurance plan covering my boys as well as a million other children in the state (causing more problems and losing more money than any small-term gains, but I digress.) The job search drags on and we lost the ability to say, “but at least we’ve got health!” Additionally I’ve had some very dark personal days having nothing to do with health and very little to do with our economic situation.

The trick is, as in every other difficult event, to put one foot ahead of the other.  There is so much at stake, my sweet boys most of all.  They need me to keep it together.   As long as I think short-term, I’m fine. I can make it one more day.

I never thought I’d be saying that every day for eight months.  Today it has been eight months.

6 thoughts on “You Have No Choice; You Must Not Fail

  1. Hang in there. I know it seems neverending but it WILL get better and then this will all just be a memory. In the mean time keep doing a fabulous job getting your family through this!

  2. Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other because all you can see right now is just what is right in front of you. For 6 years of our marriage Tim tried to be a teacher of the english persuasion. Unfortunately no one would let him. It was hard to watch him try to support the family and feel like he was failing. His self esteem took quite a beating then. I would say more but this is not about him. Anyway….”Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” I have faith that things will work out for you somehow. I know this doesn’t help much (especially when you are alone with your thoughts at night (that was always the worst time for me, still is) Know that there are many who are sending thoughts of comfort and support your way.

  3. Heather,

    First time caller… 🙂

    I occasionally follow your blog. I enjoy keeping up with your family.

    I know you’ve probably heard all the cliches from everyone. When I was unemployed for a long time the only ones that I could really bring myself to listen to were those that had been through the same thing. Paul may have told you about my jobless stint. It is not easy. I went for months and months without anything when we lived in Utah. Eventually I just got so fed up with it that I enlisted in the Air Force! Just continue to support Paul and always be on his side.

  4. well, you keep on sayin’ it until the last day, kiddo! life is survived in moments, the same moments it is lived.

    keeping your family in my heart!

  5. In my darkest period there were often times I would take it one hour, one minute or one day at a time. It sounds horrible, but it really got me through. And when it was one minute at a time…really those were the longest minutes of my life.

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