Somewhere along the timeline of the past ten months I changed. I didn’t notice it because I was distracted by all the things that needed my attention, but it was probably exactly those things that changed me. I thought that I was mostly keeping things together, but the other day as I walked to the park, my head too full of thoughts and lists and plans and worries to smile and truly enjoy the moment I realized that I am no longer the woman I was a year ago.
A year ago when I took the kids to the park I was present. I felt the sun on my face. I watched the ants that made the boys stop walking. I took part in the search for the perfect stick. I didn’t mind how long it took to walk the two blocks to the park. I was smiling.
A year ago I still had a head full of thoughts and lists and plans and worries but I also had the capacity to feel in control of them (it’s like they used to be q-tips and now they are jumbo cotton balls and my head can’t hold them all) and I felt fairly good about my time management. Now I feel it’s just too overwhealming.
Yesterday was a good day. It was the first time I started to feel like myself again. Paul has been working for a week and a half, and he’s insanely busy with some really big projects, but he’s happy and his company is happy to have him. Little Red is days away from starting school and I know this is the right decision for us right now. What does next year hold for him? Well that’s another story. And yesterday I felt I had made real progress in the search for a new home. I’ve even started crocheting again, which I hadn’t done for months. (If my blog is on life support, due to a mid-blog crisis, then my store is in a coma.)
I hope I have another day like yesterday, and I hope we find our new place soon, and that it doesn’t take me ten months to recover from the past ten months. I really miss my old self.