The Old Me

Somewhere along the timeline of the past ten months I changed.  I didn’t notice it because I was distracted by all the things that needed my attention, but it was probably exactly those things that changed me.  I thought that I was mostly keeping things together, but the other day as I walked to the park, my head too full of thoughts and lists and plans and worries to smile and truly enjoy the moment I realized that I am no longer the woman I was a year ago. 

A year ago when I took the kids to the park I was present.  I felt the sun on my face.  I watched the ants that made the boys stop walking.  I took part in the search for the perfect stick.  I didn’t mind how long it took to walk the two blocks to the park.  I was smiling. 

A year ago I still had a head full of thoughts and lists and plans and worries but I also had the capacity to feel in control of them (it’s like they used to be q-tips and now they are jumbo cotton balls and my head can’t hold them all) and I felt fairly good about my time management.  Now I feel it’s just too overwhealming. 

Yesterday was a good day.  It was the first time I started to feel like myself again.  Paul has been working for a week and a half, and he’s insanely busy with some really big projects, but he’s happy and his company is happy to have him.  Little Red is days away from starting school and I know this is the right decision for us right now.  What does next year hold for him?  Well that’s another story.  And yesterday I felt I had made real progress in the search for a new home.  I’ve even started crocheting again, which I hadn’t done for months.  (If my blog is on life support, due to a mid-blog crisis, then my store is in a coma.) 

I hope I have another day like yesterday, and I hope we find our new place soon, and that it doesn’t take me ten months to recover from the past ten months.  I really miss my old self.

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7 Responses to The Old Me

  1. sleepyfrog76 says:

    Yay for glimpses of your old self! I miss the Old Me, too. I honestly don’t know if Old Sariah will ever come back, though. For me, personally, I have to accept that I’m a completely different person was and learn to accept New Sariah. That will take a while because I feel like I’m accepting a defeat. I don’t want to be defeated!!! I want to be ME.

  2. Karen says:

    See, you came to my blog and talked about wanting to knit. So I will come to your blog and talk about wanting to crochet — specifically, wanting to crochet as well as Heather does.

  3. Zen Mama says:

    Awww, thanks Karen! I don’t see myself ever starting a crochet blog (the name “off the hook” has been taken, and “hooking” just seems crass…) but I will continue to lurk on your knitting blog and hope that someday I can be as cool as you. 🙂

  4. aprilmommy says:

    I agree with Karen. Heather you have an amazing talent! I think that you let me off easy with the blessing dress, I still love taking it out just to look at it 😉

    I think that I need to make the old me and the new me mesh somewhere in the middle…

    Or I could just find someone’s pool to dump black algae into, that is always an option.

  5. Andrea says:

    the old you is there. she was just waiting for life to throw her a bone. or a steak. or chocolate. now you just need to digest what life has given you and you’ll be feeling yourself again.

  6. feathersky says:

    Weird! I could have sworn I commented on this–I was just checking to see if you’d left a reply to my comment. And there isn’t one!

    Well, then!

    I totally feel so much like how you feel. This past year has changed so much. I’m definitely not as present as I should be anymore, among other things.

    I seriously miss my old self too. I hope Nathan gets a job soon.

    • Zen Mama says:

      It won’t be long. I know you’ll be yourself soon. Hang in there! I have drawn so much strength from you and the way you have handled yourself and your trials this year. You may not be your old self, but you’re still a very amazing person. Hang in there, this’ll be over soon (and then you’ll be on to your next trial!)

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