Accountability

So my brother is getting married in less than two months. And I AM going! (I bought my tickets for the fastest trip to Canada ever: fly up Friday, fly home Sunday, wedding in the middle.) I’m so happy that I’m able to be part of that special day.

The problem is, there are going to be pictures. With my always-looks-great brother and his impossibly beautiful bride, and me coming in at pregnancy weight without the baby. It’s the final straw for me to realize that instead of philosophizing about how I have to do something, I really have to do something and do it now.

How many more signs do I need? I can’t expect to live the long life of my grandparents if I treat my body like this. I won’t have the life I want if I allow myself to stay like this. I’m at a higher risk for cancer by being overweight, and as my father just had early stages of prostate cancer it’s a more real possibility than ever before. I am not immortal. I know that the fatter I get the more that fat presses against my vital organs, impairing their function. I don’t want to do that to myself.

Yet it’s my vanity that is making me change. (My vanity? How many of you even know that I have vanity?!?!?) I know I won’t look the way I want by the time the wedding rolls around, but I don’t have to look like this.

On Thursday I firmly started my new plan. It’s quite simple, really: eat less and move more. I don’t need those snacks. I don’t need dessert. I’m using the small plates instead of the big plates. And I have worked-up my stroller so that I can get back into my walking routine. And I bought a started pack of Alli.

I typically hate the idea of popping a pill for anything, but at this point I realize I need to get my life under control, and if something can give me a little bit of help, by blocking part of the fat I eat before I absorb it, not doing crazy things to my metabolism, then that may be the boost I need to keep going.

I didn’t expect to tell anyone what I was doing, and certainly not about the Alli. But I’ve decided that if I really want to be successful then I need to be accountable. I will work harder knowing that other people know.  Sure, I like the idea of doing it all myself, but there is also no shame in realizing your own shortcomings and asking for help.  Now my diet wasn’t especially high in fat to begin with, just high in calories in general, so there’s a possibility that the Alli isn’t going to make a big difference, but even if it doesn’t do anything chemically, it is going to make difference. I know what the possible side effects are if I don’t follow the rules, and that alone has kept me motivated to be good.

The first two days were tough, cutting out the snacks cold turkey left me really hungry, but I was surprised at how quickly my body adapted to my modified eating patterns. I don’t have a scale so I don’t know if I’m losing weight, and it’s too early to start feeling good. (I’m just tired. I’ve used those snacks to keep me going during the day so I’m napping instead.) I’m glad I’m finally taking control of this. It’s finally my turn to pay attention to myself. Food will no longer bw my crutch.

I kept quiet because of a fear of failure, which has been my problem before. But now I’m putting it all out there for the same reason, a fear of failure. I’m not going to fail.  I can’t fail.  I’m going to make it happen!

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3 thoughts on “Accountability

  1. Yay for healthy changes! You’ll do great! 😀

    We’re joining the ymca this week cuz they’ve got a special for super cheap swim classes for the kids all next week. I can’t do much exercise until the next ultrasound gives the ok…but really, I’ve gotta do SOMETHING!!! Even slow walking is better than sittin on my butt 😛

  2. I know how you feel. I started weight watchers recently. So far I’m failing at it but maybe the more people I tell the better I’ll do? Arg.

    I hope your plan works better than mine!!

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