Finding My Place

I don’t care how evolved you are, when it comes to being someone’s wife and taking care of the children, there are days you feel like you stepped back one hundred years. Let me begin by saying that every time I feel that way it is entirely internal, having nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with how I choose to feel.

It’s just that some days a pile of dirty diapers and a stack of clean dishes just doesn’t feel fulfilling. I’m more than that, aren’t I? I’m educated, I was a professional. I’m smart. I’m creative. And I know that when I decided to put that aside in favour of raising a couple of precious souls it was my choice.  The days I seem unprepared to handle my calling are the days I fail to see the miracle in what I do.

It’s made me think a lot about the role of women.  I deliberately put myself in a position of dependancy on my husband.  I am lucky that he is a man I can trust implicitly.  He is fair with his time, he considers all of our possessions to be “ours” collectively.  He does not gamble our money away.  He does not run away with other women.  He hardly even hangs out with his guy friends, choosing instead to be with me and the boys.  He encourages me to buy more for myself, and do more for myself.  He makes what I do worth it, and I couldn’t do it without him.  I am completely dependant on him.  Where we live depends on his job.  How we live depends on his salary.  What we do depends on his schedule. 

Sometimes it’s hard for a woman who has been independant to select a life like this, and no matter your feelings on the role of women, there is a period of adjustment.  It is terrifying to realize how much of your life depends on someone else!  It’s hard when the paycheques stop!  It’s hard when your boss is redfaced and nonverbal and needs you implicitly!  It’s hard when you don’t even get time to go to the washroom, when you’re exhausted, when you feel robbed of yourself.  I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the times when I sought peace in my decisions and struggled to find the right balance in what I was doing.  There were times when people I thought should have known better (and should have kept their mouths shut) openly disapproved of my decisions.  It hurt, even though I knew they were wrong. 

It’s different for everyone.  I know that.  And regardless of what we do as women there will always be guilt, and there will always be some sort of a struggle to find place.  All I know is that it’s so crucial to find peace.  It’s so important to make your situation work for you rather than be a victim of your choices and circumstances.  I’ve been lucky.  I found a more profound peace than I could have hoped for, and have found a lot of joy in my life as a result.  I have many friends for whom the role of women is a great struggle.

But I’m exceedingly blessed.  I have a husband who has always concidered the role of women to be one of partner.  And who, strangely enough, feels as dependant on me as I feel on him.  He says his situation is even more dependant on me doing my job than mine is on him.  He’s wrong.  But I’m okay with that, too.

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3 thoughts on “Finding My Place

  1. I’m glad I’m not the one that has to go out and work. I’ve always hated the odd jobs I’ve had over the years. I’d rather raise kids any day! Nathan always thinks I’ve got the hard job and I’m pretty certain he does. I like my role as stay at home mom–usually…N’iel is fairly determined to change my mind on that 😉

  2. You are so spot on with all of this. I would much rather be at home with my kids than at a job. However, sometimes I really struggle with my abilities as a mom. My patience, my creativity, my energy, my example. Sometimes I really stink at this job. But, I’d still rather have it than any other.

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