Sunday Stream of Consciousness

For some reason flickr and wordpress aren’t holding hands right now, so the blogs I want to post about our caterpillar, and the miracle of nature, have been lost. There’s no point in trying to re-write them until I know they’ll post.

In the meantime I’m left with my roaming thoughts. This past week has been exhausting in every way imaginable. With the exception of keeping things tidy around here I have managed to tick off everything from my to-do list and juggle the extra things that were thrown on me at the last minute. I’m not proud, I’m just tired. My body aches, my mind is full, my heart is sad.

I ache for the couple who first befriended us when we moved in — the husband died unexpectedly on their vacation this week. I ache for my dear friend and her family as her whole body has fallen apart; it was hard to see her so fragile in the hospital with tubes everywhere and a very tired heart. I worry for another friend whose cancer has returned.

I am sore and I am tired and my home is messy and I am overwhealmed, but when I knelt down to pray today all I could do was express my simple gratitude that I am healthy, my family is healthy, and no one is dead. My stress over what’s on my schedule is so trivial when compared with the challenges my friends are facing.

Sometimes it’s so hard to leave your friends who are having a difficult time to return to your own responsibilities, I mean, how can that be more important? But sometimes it is. We have to keep our own lives going, for the children if no one else, while still supporting our friends who are having a difficult time. If we allow our own lives to stop whenever someone else is struggling, we’ll be unable to lend them the support that they need. I’m learning how to step away physically, but learning how to control my own emotions so that I can be empathic without being consumed is a bigger task. Right now I’m not consumed, I’m just tired. I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of being so emotional when my own life is so good and I’m tired of not being better with my time and I’m tired of not being a better wife and mother and I’m tired of being tired.

I’ve cried a lot today, but I’m not actually sad.  These feelings will pass and underneath I know I’m fine.

One thought on “Sunday Stream of Consciousness

  1. *hugs* this is what I needed to hear today. Whenever I get down about everything that’s going on here, I really should be grateful for the small things–we have our health (well…except my eye–but that’s gotten me plates of cookies so it’s all good), everyone’s doing ok, and we’re all alive. Things could definitely be worse.
    With Nathan’s job being relatively hazardous, sometimes I wonder if maybe the Lord has put layoffs in front of us to keep him safe from crashes or something. I wonder if one day we’ll be able to see the times where we’ve been kept safe. How silly we’ll feel then–whining about being unemployed when it could have been something like what your friend is facing. Anyway, thanks for this post.

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