We’re All Changing, but not all change is good

It’s very possible that tonight or sometime tomorrow I feel be filled with remorse for what I’m about to do. It’s equally possible that I will feel no such guilt.  After all, it isn’t called self-medication for nothing, obviously there are some benefits to drowning one’s sorrow in ice cream.

It’s been five weeks of diligently watching what I eat, cutting out sweets, cutting down on white things (starches,) ramping up the produce and upping the water intake. It’s been two weeks of hard workouts five days a week.  It’s safe to say that I have boot-camped myself and shocked my body into changing.  I feel stronger, I stand up taller, and my clothing fits differently. The scale, however, hasn’t changed at all, if anything I’m very slowly gaining. I’m still fluctuating up and down the same two pounds. I’m trying not to get discouraged, and instead focus on all the reasons why I’m happy to be exercising. I feel good, I have more energy, I know my body is grateful that I’m taking better care. But I can’t escape the fact that my BMI still places me in the obese category. It doesn’t matter how healthy I’m getting, if I’m obese, I’m not healthy. I’m not willing to take those crazy pills and I’m not a crash diet kind of person, but not seeing any results is stressing me out tonight.

It’s not the only thing stressing me out. My four year old is really challenging what I thought I knew about myself as a parent. I used to think I was a slightly-above-average parent, doing a pretty good job. Recently I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that my sweet little baby has some real anger issues. I’m starting to put the pieces together but I’m far from finding an answer. Basically all of his friends are incredibly high-strung, moody, tantrumy children themselves (I don’t remember Little Red’s four- and five-year old friends being like this at all! Is it just perspective?) and I’ve seen and heard him practice the things modeled by his friends., This is more than just trying out his friends’ behaviours, however, (and as much as I’d like to blame this on the ubiquitous other people’s children, these bad behaviours are springboards for the underlying distress in his life, and his temper can turn on a hairpin.  Of course I blame myself, and of course I’m trying to come up with solutions to turn this around.  But there’s no denying that after an afternoon of me working really hard to keep everyone happy (and not letting them scream while the piano tuner worked on our piano in the same room) only to have our framed Jesus print broken, which also broke the shadowbox holding an art object Paul made as a young boy, and to receive notes from the older informing me that the younger would like to throw me in the trash … I’m just tired. 

Tonight I choose to fail at my diet because I need to soothe myself for failing as a parent.  Tonight, as soon as I can no longer hear the noises of the boys not sleeing in their beds, I’m going to march myself to the freezer.  Tonight, instead of readying our small, cluttered home for three guests (my aunt, uncle, and cousin) I’m going to eat junk, watch tv, cry a little, and go to bed.  Tomorrow is another day and it’s going to be a long one.  I know that the ice cream isn’t going to give me any useful energy, or anything helpful at all, but tonight I’m going to eat it anyway.

8 thoughts on “We’re All Changing, but not all change is good

  1. Good for you on your diet an exercise! It sounds like you are doing really well! A little over a year ago, I started on a similar diet/exercise program. I promised my family (as we were having a competition) that I wouldn’t lose any weight because in my whole life I have NEVER lost weight (except right after giving birth). But I surprised myself and dropped a whopping 10 lbs. But the results weren’t immediate. It seemed like I was working out for a good 6 months before I saw any pounds slipping away and it was definitely un-motivating to keep going. But the good news is, you feel better and you are doing things that are more healthy. You are more healthy. Period. Good for you.

    And having ice cream after a bad day once in a while is not going to kill you. We all have those days. You ARE an above-average mom. Kids are hard. Some are harder than others and some ages are harder than others. You know all of this.

  2. I agree with Kiersten! Don’t let the scale get to you–you ARE healthier despite what it says!

    I used to think I was an above average parent too. Then along came N’iel. You just have to do your best and hang on for the ride! Good luck!

  3. I have much to say on this subject… most of it though is personal, so I will just say that I know you are a good parent, you know you are a good parent… and I will send you an email later when my kids are in bed and I can stop running around…

  4. I have had a night of feeling like a complete failure with my children. I love them and hate them at the same time. I know that I hate them because of me and what I have or have not done well as a parent. I’m just so frustrated with them and me. I totally understand how you feel and I’m so sorry! Please just know that you aren’t alone!

    1. This makes it sounds like I have only had one night. What I mean to say is that tonight has been one of those nights!

  5. Tough times. I hear you. My friend recently told me that she is serious anger issues with her 5 year old. His teacher’s have recommended therapy. She is reading this book and it defines her child. She said it is a really good read. Not sure what level your son is at or if this will apply to you, but I’m always up for parenting tips.

  6. For what it’s worth….you looked amazing today. I could tell a difference. But more than that…you are the most amazing mum I know out there. Whenever I have a question, or I have a problem, I know you are the person to turn to. Even on little things like how to pack lunches. I feel incredibly blessed to have you in my life and even more so to call you my friend.

  7. Hey girl-

    I have to say that in light of your post, I love the way you write. You have a way to make it funny. We miss you guys and look forward to seeing you sometime in July. Love, April

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