I had an extensive texting session with one of my favourite therapists, Dr. Drea, wherein I was able to gain some clarity into why I was such a mess last week. It was a painful revelation, discovering that my power-through-because-mother’s-don’t-get-time-off attitude wasn’t exactly doing me any favours and I still had plenty of stuff to work out from the spring. Just keep busy isn’t always the best policy.
The lease on our apartment expires in a month so we face another transition. This is not unexpected and we hope it will be positive change, but change is change, and this change involves packing. I’m pretty sure I still have PTSD from the last move and am reluctant to go back there again. Besides, without Jennifer to watch my kids and Lisa and Angela to help me clean how will I get it all done? I weep just thinking about doing this without them, but then I still weep just thinking about most major milestones without them, just as I still weep thinking about our beloved previous school.
Thinking about moving dredges up a lot of the pain from the move out here. I have merged my frustration with those crazy landlords and my grief over Carla’s death and my loss of that awesome school and my dearest friends with the stress of moving. As I comtemplate a new move I’ve got all that anger and pain and sorrow and loss coming up again. I’m a bit of a mess, really. No wonder the kids were, too, last week. How could anyone stay sane with me like that?
The loneliness doesn’t help. Who can talk me down from the ledge? Who is going to give me inspiration and pep talks and perspective? It took me so long to make the friends I cherish. Going through this alone makes me miss them even more.
I don’t fear the next move, and I know we’ll make friends. I know I’ll even make good friends. The transition only magnifies the beauty of what I left behind. Also, my home hasn’t been tidy since we came back from Canada and Red’s karate belt is hopelessly lost. I can’t think straight in this environment. If I can just get this under control I will feel a lot better. Change is the most reliable thing there is, and I’m much more equipped to handle it if there’s something organized in my life. Since more change is coming, I’d better put on my big girl pants and get going.